There are men in my life who swoop in with predictable irregularity. Usually these are ex-boyfriends. It doesn’t matter if I broke up with him, or he broke up with me. After 2-3 months of silence I start gearing up, knowing I’ll hear from them in an email or text. And if I respond to his question, or engage back, it’s almost certain it will be another 2-3 months before I get a reply.
It happened again last week. The cyber ego boost. A virtual flex. A check-in to make sure he still counts. And it’s annoying as hell.
This Memorial Day I’d like to recognize these fallen egos. Moment of silence please.
- No Related Disasters...yet
For those of you in NYC and on the fence about tonight’s Disaster, I’m about to tip the scales. One lucky participant is going to win a Shake Weight! Yep! You’re very own. It’s the perfect Disaster workout.
See you at 6 at Arlo and Esme: 42 East 1st Street. More info on the FB Invite here.
Let the disasters begin.
I’ll tell you about city sex. I’ve been single long enough, I know how this is outsourced.
Last weekend I had a pedicure by a VERY hot elderly Vietnamese man who spent extra time on my bunions.
Then I had a haircut from a divorcee. Since he left his partner my shampoo lasts a good 7 minutes longer, and comes complete with a neck massage. Yum.
Then last night, as part of Operation Orgasmo, I had a 60 minute back massage from a 300 pound man named Nevil. He hit my knots so hard I almost puked.
And for the climax, I took myself out for gelato and ordered sex by chocolate (ok fine, it’s not called that, but it should be).
Ohhh yeahhh Chicago. Riiiiight there.
Now that, my friends, is the real sex in this city.
Some of you may be following my pending date with a serial killer in Brooklyn. Well, there’s much to catch up on. The date with Roses and Thorns is tomorrow, and setting it up has taken multiple emails and legal consult. End result, I’m not sure if I get dinner, but I’m pretty sure I’ll wind up with custody of his dog:
I’ve never really self-identified as a “hot girl w/rape whistle” type of guy, but recently that’s become somewhat of a recurring leitmotif in my social life.
Just to nail down some details: when do you arrive in our fair city? I gleaned from my world-wide-web reconnaissance (I really hate the term “cyber-stalking”) that you will be hosting a DoH event Thursday in the East Village. Group outings are less than ideal for first dates, but Friday the 28th finds me in upstate NY for the long weekend.
Pray tell you are available Wednesday?
What a most unfortunate situation. I arrive late on Wednesday night. However, I will be staying with a friend in Brooklyn, and if you’re up for it, perhaps we could meet for a drink around 9:30/10 when I get in? Is that too late for you? I don’t know if you have to get up early to chop up women…
In the meantime, I really hope you and your roving pack of rapist friends are planning to attend on Thursday. We need male representation.
Similar to slipping your feet into a pair of those new Rem Koolhaas label shoes, why don’t you try this idea on for size.
Ask your host what neighborhood in Brooklyn would be most convenient for an evening of one too many drinks.
I’ll pick a proximate place.
As an additional, gentle, suggestion, I recommend we each bring a chaperone (yes, double first dates are lame, but in this instance it’s probably not the worst idea).
I don’t want you trying to take advantage of me, and the wheels have been know to fall off our Wednesday nights in the city.
I spoke with my friend and she’s willing to serve as a chaperone, but only during the slow songs. Entirely up to you, but I do see how this could be to your advantage. I’ve done some FB “reconnaissance” of my own, and it appears that you either have (or have access to) a puppy. I think this innocence bodes well for my general safety, and I look forward to taking advantage of you.
I do have a new puppy!! Her name is Lady Gaga [reader’s note: I have changed the name to protect the identity of the dog] and as the vet said “she is going to be her own woman.” No surprise there – just like all the other women in my life.
Let’s grab a tequila shot in the hood. There are lots of great places. I have also discussed options with my life coach/chaperone and he is available around 10ish. I would generally like to have him along because he make me look taller but I think I can hold my own with a Mainer (I have sources outside of FB). I love making out in my duck boots.
Sorry for the delay. Being a disaster is exhausting.
Congrats on fatherhood. I look forward to tequila and having to look at hundreds of pictures of your dog and hearing about how smart she is.
Similar to your life coach, I rarely leave the house without my stylist. She is also available at 10, and will be awaiting my arrival with a spray tan.
See you Wed.
No worries. The extra couple of days were perfect. It allowed my lawyer to draft a solid first date contract. It is a pretty standard NDA regarding proprietary dating methods as well as some language on protecting my identity etc. You can never be to safe these days. The last thing I need is more woman asking me to buy them tequila shots and make out with them at the bar. Do you want to have your lawyer review it prior to Wed?
I worked on puppy scrap book all weekend. I can also bring the memory box I started for her?
As for Wed, there is nothing hotter than spray tan (l am from NJ) but my life coach recommended you leave the stylist at home.
Roses and Thorns,
I will need to review this NDA at your earliest convenience. I have notified my attorney and she is adamant about approving anything I sign. She is also insistent about including a clause nullifying the contract in the event you are, in fact, a serial killer. (And of course another clause about how anything that includes a “clause” will wind up on the blog with 100% certainty).
Per your memory box and scrapbook, I’m sure it’s very masculine due to the use of bold fonts and primary colors, but I’m not interested. It’s just so trite. I can’t tell you how many guys I have dated have brought these on first dates. That said, the guy who builds a doggy diorama… now, that’s something.
Thank you for forwarding the contract.
I am having my assistant send out an outlook meeting invite and a conference call dial in #. Please forward this to your lawyer(s). I will be dialing in as the host along with my advisory council and legal team. I ask that you please use your full name when dialing in so we can have an accurate attendance.
Please send me a valid business address for the first draft of the contract. No PO Box #s.
Roses & Thorns
From my attorney to the legal counsel of R&T, Inc. (who happened to go to law school together)
I understand there are some outstanding issues to be resolved before the upcoming meeting of our clients on Wednesday, May 26, 2010. As you are aware, mergers of this sort are not my specialty, but when it comes to suing your pants off, I excel.
I am sure that neither you nor your client wishes for any false steps to turn the auspicious promise of tequila drinks into a long, drawn out litigation nightmare between two legal powerhouses. Thus, I trust that in conducting his due diligence your client will hereafter include me in all correspondence related to Wednesday’s meeting and that you will not, in any way, seek to communicate with my client without her lawyer.
I regret that the first time we meet as professionals, we are at opposite sides of the negotiation table. I can only presume you now regret lending me your excellent outlines in Contracts.
Sister of DoH
From opposing counsel (received today)
Thank you for the Notice of Entry of Appearance.
I take your letter as evidence that you and your client are unwilling to follow the original directions provided by my client in an email dated, May 24, 2010, regarding a kick off meeting to discuss a memorandum of understanding. I am certain that it is in the best interest of all parties that our clients execute the attached Non-disclosure Agreement in order to avoid any “long drawn out litigation”. This letter supersedes all prior letters between the parties and serves as a withdrawal of my client’s offer of a “kick off meeting”.
Please sign the attached agreement in duplicate and return to my address below. If by chance there are any comments, please send them directly to me by close of business, as defined by 5 PM EST May, 25th, 2010.
This NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT (this “Agreement”) is made and entered into as of May 25, 2010 by and between Roses and Thorns (“R&T), of Brooklyn, New York, on his own behalf, and on behalf of any subsidiaries, Disaster on Heels (“DoH”), of Chicago, Illinois, (hereinafter each a “Party” and together the “Parties”).
For good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which is herby acknowledged, the Parties hereto agree as follows.
- Purpose: The Parties wish to discuss potential business opportunities and future engagements between the Parties, including but not limited to at least one (1) shot of bottom shelf tequila and an amicable make out session. High quality tequila and hickies shall not be made available during this business meeting. During said discussions, food or snacks shall be made available as soon as reasonably practicable following the receipt of a signed written request by a Party for such food or snacks from the other Party. Such request may be in the form of a text message, email, or hand written note. The Parties acknowledge that during the course of said discussions each Party may disclose Confidential Information, as hereinafter defined, to the other and wish to enter into this Agreement to limit the use of such Confidential Information.
- Confidential Information: For purposes of this Agreement, “Confidential Information” shall include all information, whether verbal or oral, that has or could have commercial value or other utility in the dating business in which the disclosing Party is engaged. This includes kissing techniques, dialogue and attire. All techniques, methods and interaction shall not be “posted,” “blogged” or “shared” without the prior written consent of the other Party.
- Integration: This Agreement expresses the complete understanding of the parties with respect to the subject matter and supersedes all prior proposals, agreements, representations and understandings. This Agreement may not be amended except in a writing signed by both Parties. This Agreement may be signed in counterpart and each counterpart shall be taken as a complete Agreement.
By her signature below, DoH agrees that it will not reveal any details of the proposed transaction to any other person without the express written consent of R&T, will not release to any other person any communications or other materials received from R&T regarding the proposed transaction, and will destroy all copies of such information and other materials at the request of R&T. Nothing in this letter is intended to prevent DoH from disclosing information to the extent it is required by any law, rule or regulation or by any subpoena or similar judicial or administrative order.
DISASTER ON HEELS ROSES & THORNS
Needless to say, I am not entirely pleased with this contract. So I had my attorney send this:
Thank you for transmitting the NDA. We are largely pleased with the agreement, subject to one comment explained below.
Noticeably absent is the Serial Killer Clause (“SKC”) explicitly requested by my client in an email dated May 24, 2010. We take this as an indication that you are unwilling to agree to such a provision. You should be informed that the SKC is a standard inclusion in every NDA signed by my client. Nonetheless, in the interest of demonstrating our willingness to contract and my client’s eagerness for a shot of tequila, we are willing to offer inclusion of a “High Maintenance Clause” in exchange for inclusion of the requested SKC. Therefore, the transmitted NDA includes the following two clauses:
4. Serial Killer Clause: R&T affirms, warrants, and guarantees that he is not a serial killer. This Agreement shall be nullified if R&T is determined to be a serial killer. Evidence of serial killing shall include but is not limited to: not calling, texting, or emailing within three days of first tequila shot despite displaying heightened interest in DoH’s family life, childhood and/or future vacation plans during first meeting; possession of more than two cats or one or more pet ferrets; possession of one or more convictions for felony murder.
5. High Maintenance Clause: DoH affirms, warrants, and guarantees that she is not high maintenance. This Agreement shall be nullified if DoH is determined to be high maintenance. Evidence of high maintenance shall include but is not limited to: wearing a bumpit; treating price, brand, or fit of blue jeans as a valid topic of conversation; complaining of quality of tequila; failing to self-nourish before engagement if necessary to avoid extreme drunkenness.
We trust that these new provisions will be satisfactory to you and your client. We will sign and transmit a copy of the attached NDA upon your approval.
My client looks forward to making out with your client in good faith,
General Counsel, DoH
- No Related Disasters...yet
I’ve been seeing a cute boy recently who I’m pretty into. So in true girly fashion I went to Facebook to look up his profile, but not to add him as a friend. I wanted to stalk him first. So I find his page and it’s not entirely public but some of his personal information is visible. Well, to my dismay his marital status was “in a relationship” but not just that, there was actually a specific person’s name following and needless to say, it wasn’t me! So you can imagine my shock and then disappointment at discovering this gem drop of knowledge. (Side note: it’s clear that he just hasn’t gotten around to changing it yet because there’s been activity on his wall within the last few days AND the “girlfriend” had commented on one of his posts!)
(Sigh) I decided that I would give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him about it the next time I saw him.
So jump to date #4(!) I confess my snooping around on his FB page and bring up his status. He tells me that yes, he was in a relationship as of recent. They broke up a couple weeks ago (before he met me) and that they were together for a year. He said he didn’t love her and didn’t want to continue the relationship any further if he wasn’t in love. Ok. Fine. I can deal with that. However, it’s been about a week since that conversation and I went to check back on his FB page and his status still claims that he’s in a relationship. This bothers me and makes me feel weird. I want him to change it. Perhaps he doesn’t want to be a dick and change it so soon after breaking up? I want to get to the bottom of this without coming across as crazy but not sure what approach to take now.
Dismayed & Disappointed
I’ve met guys like this before. This is the same guy who says he’s 5’10 online, when he’s really 5’6. These are the rounder-uppers. In this case, he’s “rounding up” in regards to his fidelity. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe technically they are broken up, or taking time apart. But even if that’s the best case scenario, if he still feels obligated enough to leave her on his relationship status, then there is more to this picture.
United, can we check these? This guy’s got baggage.
Do you really want to stick around while this gets this cleared up? Four dates is a lot — if the “ex” is still commenting on his posts it makes me think she’d be shocked to know this, too. And that’s just drama you don’t need.
As for his claim, “I just decided I wasn’t in love,” my guess is he’s just feeding you douchebag candy. I’ve heard that one before. Somehow it sounds genuine, honest, and emotionally in-touch, and since we want to hear it, we fall for it every time. But it’s probably a partial truth.
My advice is trust your gut. It doesn’t feel right because it’s probably not.
Done with douchebagsly yours,
My colleague and very dear Disaster resorted to one of my all-time favorite Disaster moves this morning: the staple hem.
The staple hem is truly brilliant because it does not require you to do silly things, like sew.
To achieve a good staple hem, simply fold your pant leg and staple around the edges. You’ll know it’s working when you hear the satisfactory “click” of the stapler (I find Swingline or PaperPro work best). When finished you should have a silver, shimmery seam.
Congratulations! It looks beautiful. You deserve a cocktail.
- No Related Disasters...yet
And let’s just say, it wasn’t as good for me as it was for me.
I’ll back up. Admittedly, lately I’ve been a bit of a disaster. Disasters use fitness videos as coasters and consider the gym steam room “detox.” (Who needs to work out when you can wear 6” heels and strengthen your core with every step?)
But allegedly, several weeks ago, I promised my good friend I would run the Alternatives Race for Youth with him. I believe in this organization, and it seemed so far away I said, “Of course! I’m in! I’ll pack us orange slices!”
Fast forward to last night, a roof deck, and several Dark and Stormies. (First the name of my drink, later the name of my suitor.) Running was the last thing on my mind.
Now, there used to be a time when I could compete without training. I nostalgically refer to these as my Super Hero Years. One time in college my best friend took a beer out of my hand at a party, told me to sober up, and informed me that we’d be running the Boston Marathon in two days. And sure enough, we bussed it to Boston, caught an AC/DC show at the Fleet Center, woke up, and bandit ran the marathon. (Granted they put me in a wheel chair at the end, but still…)
Needless to say, my days in a cape and spandex onesie have passed me by. I set the alarm for 7:00 so I could make it to the start by 8. I immediately started offering excuses as to why I would need to walk it, things like: “I really didn’t get much sleep last night,” and “You know, it’s been months since I last ran,” and finally in a desperate moment,“I was told by a doctor that my bunion has two months to live.”
But then they signaled the start of the race, and it was over. I couldn’t stop myself. In the moment I’m like a dog chasing a squirrel. Only in my case, the squirrel is 70 years old and has a limp. I don’t want to walk this race, I want to win it–and I want to take down everyone in my path.
Unfortunately, it didn’t go down like that. At all. (Let’s just say there were several stretches of assisted power walking.) But I wasn’t worried. I figured I’d just do what I did last year: get close to the finish line, peel off to the side, remove my chip timer and throw it away. After all, everyone knows if it can’t be Googled, it never happened.
But instead, two old ladies passed me in matching sweatsuits and BAM! Next thing I know I’m passing them and sprinting across the finish line, all before I’ve had time to remove my chip.
The finish is a bit of a blur but I vaguely recall the stages of gloat, nausea, and regret.
I’m so gonna get Googled for this.
- No Related Disasters...yet
My sister is to matchmaking as Velveeta is to fondue. It seems like a good idea, but inevitably it’s a hot mess.
My sister has moved from one long term relationship to another and landed herself in a marriage and a house. Lately it has become her mission to marry me off, too. Or at least get me happily dating in Chicago to reduce my flight risk. But after years of serial monogamy, my sister has lost her game.
A couple of weeks ago I brought her to a fundraising event where she won over the crowd with her grace and charm. “Wow, you’re an architect? You know, my sister loves buildings. You should talk to her. She’s the one over there–the one with two Chardonnays.” Then she proceeded to write down my name, email and cell phone number on the back of her business card, framed it with a heart, and handed it to him.
Needless to say I never heard from this guy, but that doesn’t stop BamBam from clubbing men over the head and dragging them back to the sister cave. And this problem has only gotten worse since she bought a house. I get calls at least twice a week. Yesterday she called and didn’t even say hello, she just jumped right in.
“We’ve got a hot roofer,” she said, frantically. “I think he’s got kids, but I don’t see a ring. Do you want me to stall him until you can get over here?”
Then there’s the termite guy. And the fence guy. And the general contractor, who she can’t understand, but she’s pretty sure it’s just the accent, not the fact that he’s a drunk.
And week by week BamBam lines up the suitors, and yet, somehow, I still wind up alone in the cave.
I have tried to remain silent, but what are you thinking? Just because some guy knows how to write doesn’t mean you need to date him. Don’t be attracted to a man just because he knows how to dangle his participle. I fell for that with your father. You are too easily persuaded by offers of food and I have warned you about this since you were a little girl. How do you know that he doesn’t intend to make you the menu? There must be hundreds of Hannibal Lecters in NYC.
As for your offer to make out with this fellow–you haven’t even met him or checked out whether the restaurant is classy. You know better.
I am still blushing.
You know that I was an English major. I can’t help but fall for the promise of good conjugation. You also mention Hannibal Lecter, and I agree–there is a very high chance he is a serial killer. But I also ride the bus. There are certain risks I’m willing to take.
As for the food thing, I really wish you and dad would have discussed “classy” before faking that I was twelve for four years to get the children’s all-you-can-eat price at Sizzler. I’m ok rounding up my age to get to ride the log plume at Disney, but faking my youth for cheaper access to potato salad is just plain inappropriate.
That said, don’t worry. I plan to bring those gently used Ziplocs you sent back to Chicago with me. Whatever I don’t finish at dinner, I’ll be sure to bring home.
- No Related Disasters...yet
Some of you may recall the Cinco de Mayo Initiative, my response to a question submitted through the blog by Roses and Thorns.
Yesterday I received a second message from R&T, which went like this:
Dearest Ms. DoH,
Thank you for prompt and acerbic response.
Rhetorically, you inquired whether we had ever had the pleasure of intersecting. I have no rejoinder save for: do you despise rhetorical questions as much as i do?
I’d wager no.
For the fact remains, had we had the pleasure of spending an evening together you certainly would have linked to my wiki “how to” page by now:
But that’s nothing more than the menu before the meal, which probably doesn’t surprise you given my pre-meal tactics that you so roundly dismissed. I actually encourage people in general to make out more. Imagine if making out replaced the greeting of the handshake or if first dates started with a kiss? Organizations like feedthedate.org and the snack fund initiative would cease to exist and I bet you tequila and Corona sales would go down as people become more confident and satisfied in their intimate relationships.
My results oriented approach seems to have touched a nerve, and not in the way I generally like to touch. You got me thinking about my carbon footprint. I know I can’t change the past but I am environmentally conscious and I want to have a positive impact on the future.
Which is why I wanted to ask you to dinner. I happen to know of a culinarily exquisite establishment not far from my home in Brooklyn that I’m certain would FEMA your heels issues (yes I just used FEMA as a verb) as well as highlight a much longed for trip to the east coast.
I’ve penciled you in for May 28th.
Looking forward to meeting you
Roses and Thorns
To which I reply:
Dear Roses and Thorns,
You had me at “dinner.” May 28th it is. I shall meet you at the aforementioned exquisite establishment. I’ll be the hot one with the rape whistle.
I look forward to making out with you.
PS I don’t have an email for you, as your submission is anonymous through Tumblr. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to get this convo going…
- No Related Disasters...yet
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