Breakup Appreciation Week takes militant mental discipline. You must continue to fight the battle against spanx and granny panties, lest you fall on the wrong side of the Axis of Single.

From time to time, I feel the need to channel my own Special Forces. This week, with the mental terrorism alert at Code Red, I was prepared to be deployed.

It happened on Sunday morning when I woke up feeling like a washed-up whale on a topless beach.  I got up, power-lifted a couple of shopping bags, did a few pucker exercises in the mirror, and headed downtown to the Magnificent Smile for a Special Operation: I was on a face-keeping mission.

I went to Nordstrom just knowing those perfumed bitches behind the counter better not mess with me or they’d have a pretty woman situation on their hands.  I was ready to spend, and I was ready to spend big.

Laugh lines? Does this look like a face that’s laughing? Get rid of them. GIMME CREAMS AND DON’T MAKE ME TRY THEM ON JUST OVERCHARGE ME AND PUT THEM IN A LITTLE BAG!

These eyebrows? Give me a pencil and let me look surprised without even trying. I want to channel my Italian grandmother, and I don’t care what it costs!

These lips? “Lube them up with your shimmeriest, shiniest paints,” I barked at the girl behind the MAC counter.

“SIR, YES SIR!” She replied, while scrambling to ring up tubes of glossy pink goodness.

All-in the recon took 37 minutes (and that included time in the chair, something I hate to do, but the woman at Estee Lauder promised me free samples, which is like kryptonite to my Yankee sensibilities).

In total the mission cost me $182.42, but, like me … so worth it.

God bless America.

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