From time to time, I feel the need to channel my own Special Forces. This week, with the mental terrorism alert at Code Red, I was prepared to be deployed.
It happened on Sunday morning when I woke up feeling like a washed-up whale on a topless beach. I got up, power-lifted a couple of shopping bags, did a few pucker exercises in the mirror, and headed downtown to the Magnificent Smile for a Special Operation: I was on a face-keeping mission.
I went to Nordstrom just knowing those perfumed bitches behind the counter better not mess with me or they’d have a pretty woman situation on their hands. I was ready to spend, and I was ready to spend big.
Laugh lines? Does this look like a face that’s laughing? Get rid of them. GIMME CREAMS AND DON’T MAKE ME TRY THEM ON JUST OVERCHARGE ME AND PUT THEM IN A LITTLE BAG!
These eyebrows? Give me a pencil and let me look surprised without even trying. I want to channel my Italian grandmother, and I don’t care what it costs!
These lips? “Lube them up with your shimmeriest, shiniest paints,” I barked at the girl behind the MAC counter.
“SIR, YES SIR!” She replied, while scrambling to ring up tubes of glossy pink goodness.
All-in the recon took 37 minutes (and that included time in the chair, something I hate to do, but the woman at Estee Lauder promised me free samples, which is like kryptonite to my Yankee sensibilities).
In total the mission cost me $182.42, but, like me … so worth it.
God bless America.
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