I recently went on a blissfully romantic date with a stalker that reminded me once again just how lucky I am. I mean, people always say, “Maybe you’ve already met Mr. Right and you don’t even know it.” Turns out, they were right! Sometimes the truth is hiding in plain sight– other times it’s curled up in the fetal position underneath your cubicle. Whatever the case, just because I’ve found love doesn’t mean I’m not looking out for my fellow Disasters. I hope each and every one of you finds someone whose love for you knows no legal bounds. And when you do, remember these 5 tips for a successful first date:
1. Don’t give him your last name. A good stalker enjoys the challenge. Let him figure it out the old fashion way by following you home, hiding in the bushes, and stealing your mail.
2. Don’t bother telling him where you work. He already knows! Any stalker worth his weight in binoculars will be lurking around your office when you leave for the date. Smile in his direction, but don’t outwardly acknowledge him. Stalkers are shy.
3. Over dinner, try telling a few jokes to break the ice–something playful and fun like, “Hey! Is that my mother’s maiden name in your pocket? Or are you just glad to see me?”
4. After the date, give him something to remember you by. A goodnight kiss only lasts a minute, but a lock of hair is something he can keep forever.
5. Always remember that the 3-day rule is for people who don’t love you. Expect to hear from your date as soon as it ends. In fact, he may even call you from across the table because he can’t wait that long. Definitely answer!
Since this date went so well you’ll probably want to see him again. In order to keep him interested you must be a good listener. This is essential because heavy breathers can sound the same on the phone, and if “stalker” is your type and you plan to see more than one, it is imperative that you can tell them apart. Trust me, it is very upsetting to a stalker if you mistakenly call him by another stalker’s name.
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