Last night I broke up with Benefit of the Doubt. It was ugly. We’ve been together for so long, it’s just so hard to let go. I mean we have so many memories together–like that time I found those girls’ numbers in his phone, and the time he forgot his credit card at dinner… and that time that he couldn’t come to my cousin’s wedding due to elbow pain.
But last night was just too much. Finally, after a week of emails, my OKCupid suitor and I decided to meet up at a new place in Wicker Park. I sent the final note: “I’ve really wanted to try bangers and lace–you up for it?” (What I forgot to do is actually link to it. So in retrospect, perhaps it wasn’t just me who was disappointed.)
Over the course of dinner I could feel a growing distance between me and Benefit of the Doubt. I began to realize that when one of a guy’s profile pictures is him going down a child’s slide at a water park and another is him holding cotton candy, it’s not because he’s “carefree”– it’s because his mom still cooks him dinner. And I suddenly understood that if every email you exchange has to do with bacon, it doesn’t mean he’s a foodie–it means he’s bad at conversation. Or obsessed with bacon. And if he asks to meet you at a bar near his place, it’s not because he’s concerned about his environmental impact– it’s because too cheap to take a cab, and he will make you pay for dinner. These are all things I could have known, had I not been blinded by BOTD’s stunning good looks.
So today I erased Benefit of the Doubt from my phone, deleted his emails, blocked him from Facebook, and started over. No more second dates with guys who call me by their ex-girlfriend’s names. No more first dates with guys who went to circus camp. Nope. I’m done.
Anyway, I may be giving up on Benefit of the Doubt, but I’m not giving up. You get knocked down enough times, eventually you get knocked up. And with that, I leave you with this, my dating life in a video, and the ultimate inspiration:
(Suggestion: turn your volume up)
Subscribe Via Email
Become A Fan
- I Heart You Rachel Dratch, From Your BFF, Disaster
- The Genius
- This Is The Pits
- The Write-Off
- A Return to Roots
- One Glove, One Heart
- I’m a Fraunt!
- Sugar Coated
- How to Shake a Stage Five Drunk
- A Disaster’s Guide to Fixin’ Shit
- Sea Biscuits
- Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?
- Finally, A Fairytale I can Believe In
- High San Francisco!
- Scent of A Woman
- RT @jgolden3: Sometimes I love the people I work with... other times I hate them. Now is the latter... http://t.co/gxf60mC7 #, 2012/05/03
- The daily verbatim: "Im just looking for a understanding women. I work with Computers. Im stable and well Ground.... http://t.co/q1IWE00l #, 2012/05/03
- @heidiskinner Absolutely! Do not take this lightly. It's the role of a lifetime. #Disasterella #, 2012/05/03
- @gloss48 so good talking to you yesterday. I can't wait to get glamorous. #, 2012/05/03
- @heidiskinner yes! You can be my Disaster Fairy Godmother. It will be easy. I already have the shoes! #, 2012/05/03