Sound the Disaster Alarm. My mom comes to town tomorrow, and has insisted on staying with me. Needless to say, I have some major work to do. In preparation, last night I spent $125 at Trader Joe’s for what I can only imagine will be an epic fake out. I will host her in my apartment where she will be completely impressed with just how put-together I have become. It will go like this:
Sooo this is it! Sorry about the smell in the hall—the woman next door has so many parakeets!
What’s that? It’s chilly in here? Oh sorry. I don’t usually turn the heat on until December. You know, keeps your circulation pumping, which is great for your skin. If you’re cold though, I can light some candles, no problem. Just say the word!
Yep! That sure IS a cornucopia on my coffee table. Isn’t it great? It makes me wonder… Mom? Are we part Pilgrim? It’s the only thing I can think of to explain how much I love decorating for Thanksgiving. And don’t even get me started on gourds. I love gourds even more than I love cornucopias! Just look at my dining room table: green gourds, orange gourds, yellow gourds. Gourds gourds gourds gourds!
Would you like a snack? How about some brie? Hang tight, I’ll make us a cheese plate. Hmm… I know the cheese is in the fridge here somewhere, but all these organic greens are in the way! And these apples–they take up so much room. I really just need to make this pie before they go bad. Maybe I’ll do that with my Little Sister this weekend. Oh, that reminds me– did I mention I volunteer for the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program? I planned to volunteer on Sunday morning really early. So you should probably stay over at BamBam’s house Saturday night–that way I won’t wake you up while I’m making pies with my Little Sister. I’d reschedule, but she really values the consistency–you understand.
Found the cheese! Excellent… Mom? What are you doing? Are you going through my recycling? Yes, those are vodka bottles. I’m making LAMPS mother! It’s taken me more than three years to collect all those…I just keep them in there so I won’t forget about the lamp project!
Here. Eat this brie. You can put it on these Tostitos. It will be delicious.
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