This Hump Day. I present a little something I like to call “romance.” I received this (unsolicited) note from a suitor on OKCupid. I think he likes me likes me, because it read like this:
My whole life I have been rejected and brushed off by women and am getting so sick of it. I’m too old for this crap.
I am fed up with being alone when I go out. I feel like an idiot when I go to a sporting event, the beach, the casino, the horse race, the zoo, the air show, or any social event by myself while everybody else has someone to dry hump. As a result, I have lost interest in doing the things I used to like.
I have been rejected or brushed off by women because my physical appearance doesn’t make them want to drop their panties and bang on the spot. If you people would just set aside your deviant sexual urges and get to know me without worrying about getting laid at the end of the 1st date, you might actually have a reason to like me or, HEAVEN FORBID, meet with me again. Think what you want about my appearance but I am a great guy with a ton to offer. I am a highly ambitious and successful full-time professional making great money with a wide variety of interests who is easy to talk with. Perhaps looks are all you have to offer.
I know women want to like me because they see a loyal boyfriend, husband and father of their children. But what they want to like and what they actually like are two different things. Even in their 20s or 30s women are still not over the cocky, towering, steroid-infused hot-headed, immature and alcohol-fueled players. I’m the guy who’s been told for years that I will make some woman very happy. I’m 28. I’m not getting any younger so this WILL happen before the end of 2011.
I am taking control. Your days of looking down on me with your condescending eyes are OVER. We are going to meet and have a great time which will NOT be cut short no matter how convincing your excuse is (do NOT try to text or lie your way out. I will see right through you). You will give me the same respect I give you and will not make me feel like a worthless degenerate because you think you’re out of my league. I don’t want to hear about how you didn’t feel a connection or chemistry or some other stupid buzzword. We will meet again and again while growing increasingly attracted to one another until we get married, own a home together, and start a family.
So naturally, I replied.
Dear Scott Peterson,
I’m sorry to hear that your failure to dry hump has made you feel like an idiot, and worse, lose your libido for life. I mean, sure, I understand the need to dry hump at an air show (those vibrations!) But there is nothing worse than not being able to get it up at the zoo. Especially when the baboons in the primate house are doing it right in front of you. What teases! I can only imagine what you’re going through.
It’s funny you mention that about dropping panties and banging on the spot, because typically that is the result of some serious dry humping. I’m still waiting for OKCupid to list that as an option. It would be so much easier if they would just list “looking for” like:
- Long term dating
- Short term dating
- Activity partners
- Dropping panties and banging on the spot
It’s so annoying that have to manually fill that in each time. Whatevs.
Anyway. It sounds like we may not be such a fit, and since you are on somewhat of a time frame, I figured I’d just cut to the chase so you can start getting someone pregnant, having children and commanding them to do things like take out the trash, and respect you, dammit, even with that vein throbbing in your forehead. (I had a New Years resolution in 2011 as well, but it was to find more alcohol-fueled juice heads, not a mortgage.) Please don’t think I’m saying this because there is no chemistry, or some other buzzword. I am saying this because I’m pretty sure you have a sex dungeon.
Anyhoo, I’m sure if you keep dropping rainbows like this in other people’s inboxes you will find a woman who, if she doesn’t fake her death during your first date, will let you dry hump her at the racetrack.
I wish you all the best in that.
Have you received a ridiculous email from an online suitor? And you’re just going to let that beauty wither in your inbox? Don’t do it! Share with the world! Please send it to me at disasteronheels @ gmail. I will write a response and post through the blog (and keep it anonymous, I promise).
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