There’s no Penis on Venus

Growing up I wore pink, but was always a “guy’s girl.” I may have played rugby for a couple seasons in college, but I also I owned a porcelain teapot and a set of matching demitasse.  When I was 29 I traded in my kitchen set for a Lean Cuisine and a coffee table, and I never looked back.  But I still own more than 30 pairs of heels and am every bit a lady–something that recently came into question after a conversation with my older cousin. He told me part of my “problem” [read: reason I'm single]  is that I’m “too much of a dude.” I couldn’t believe it. I may have planned a date before. I may be direct on occasion.  I may even be known to watch The Bounty Hunter from time to time–but that doesn’t make me a dude.

And you know how I know I’m a woman?  I made a list.

1. I take birth control pills. Because, you know, I have ovaries.
2. I  apologize for everything, even when it’s not my fault. I’m sorry, I can’t help it.
3.  I would never in a million years have the ingenuity or audacity to approach someone in a bar and say:  “If I was a squirrel, and you were a tree, I’d climb into your hole and bust a nut.” My brain tries to think of a pickup line and misfires. My brain hears one, and shuts down.
4. I wax my eyebrows, pluck my chin, and shave my legs. Then I spend hours wondering—if I have to spend this much time course-correcting nature, am I messing with evolution? What if there is another ice age, and we can’t find our tights.  Our legs will freeze and we’ll all be fucked.  This thought is so depressing that I eat half of a container of dark chocolate covered ginger from Trader Joe’s that I keep in the freezer for existential crises.
5. I never order dessert. But I have no problem asking you for a bite of yours.  And then eating all of it.
6. My bed broke. The corner fell through the frame and now it sags. I don’t own tools, so I tried to fix it with a butter knife. I placed the butter knife under the box spring, hoping it would prop it up. It didn’t work, so now I have resigned to sleep downhill.
7. I believe honesty is important. That’s why I grill each new boyfriend about his ex-girlfriends, and make him rate them on a “hot scale.”
8. I spend $17 dollars on a manicure each week. Afterward I feel so guilty about this frivolous expense that I vow not to buy lunch for two days.  But then I get hungry, so I spend $22 on Balance Bars to tide me over.
9. I drink my coffee with heavy cream and Splenda. I order egg white omelettes with bacon.
10. When someone insults me I yell “I DON’T GIVE DAMN!” Then I systematically call every girlfriend in my phone and talk about it for hours.

I provided this list to my cousin. He apologized to me profusely, so I said, “Don’t even worry about it. It’s no big deal.”

I’m so pissed.