As you know, I broke my bed. If I told you this happened in some freak sextastrophe, I would give you a high-five. But I would also be lying. I believe I first heard the distinctive “crack” after flopping backwards onto my bed in a dramatic “I’m too fat to fit in my jeggings” moment. But, like many Disasters, I had no idea how to fix my fractured nap-maker. That’s why I’ve assembled this helpful guide:
How To Fix A Broken Bed Frame
1. Do absolutely nothing. Stay very, very still. Maybe if you just think repair thoughts, it will fix itself.
2. If doing nothing doesn’t work, try doing it longer. Wait 3-4 months and see if this problem self-corrects.
3. If, after several months, you have developed sleeping problems or soreness from sleeping downhill, start to hint around with some of your more handy friends for help. Try something like this: “Love your haircut- it’s super masculine. You look like a guy who knows his way around a hardware store. Do you? Do you know your way around a hardware store?”
4. If that doesn’t work, open your toolkit (also known as your “silverware drawer”). Find an attractive butter knife. Attempt to place it vertically under your sagging box spring with the precision and intensity of a game of strip Jenga. Swear repeatedly.
5. If this fails, well, it’s no wonder: you just tried to fix your bed with a butter knife. Next, try something more sturdy–like books.
Helpful Hint: Be sure to use books that you no longer need, as once these are secured into position they will stay there for as long as that mayonnaise has been in your refrigerator.
This is what I did, and it worked like a dream:
And who said I’d never use those cookbooks?
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