Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?

This one goes out to Christine, thanks for sharing this gem. This is an actual questionnaire she received while on match.com, and it’s so unbelievable I’ve just cut and pasted it here, along with my replies (in italics).   The email goes like this:

We have been trying to get my boss to give us the OK to register him on here for months. He finally agreed so we can up with the following TEST based on his responses to our questions of what he was looking for. Can you unlock his heart?

Honestly … answer the following questions and score yourself.

 Family
1. If you live within 100 miles of Charlotte, Greensboro or Rocky Mount
Score yourself +10 points.

Reason: Although he would be willing to travel to the ends of the earth to find “THE ONE” these NC cities house all his family, sisters and parents. 100 miles from them would make it easy to see family in the years to come.

+10 on location!  Mostly because I am willing to relocate for true love, even if it means we’ll have to go on dates in strip malls.

2. If you have a great singing voice
Score yourself + 10

Reason: If you have the voice of an angel, then it will be a constantly reminder that you are a heavenly creature to be loved and cherished.

+10 on voice of an angel for SURE. And for the record, I agree that my singing voice is an important reminder to men that I am a heavenly being who should be cherished, or at least that I’m part Disney princess. People with not-nice singing voices should be locked in the basement during poker nights- that’s what I always say!

Children
3. If all of your children are under 5 …
Score yourself + 10 points

Having no children of his own it would be nice to ingrain some of his own family values in the lives of these children from an early age.

+10 all the way! I have no children (that I know of).  I’ve been waiting to meet someone so we can raise them together with strong morals. We’ll impart values like always love thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor is a bitch who plays loud music, and teach them important stuff like never talk to strangers, in-laws, or people who go to the Dollar Store.

Finances
4. If you have a job with great medical and dental benefits …
Score yourself +10 points

Reason: Plain and simple, he is self employed and it is impossible for him to get himself or us on a group plan because our company is too small. His insurance is expensive and has a high deductible. Basically he has it for emergency situations or major medical only.

+10!! l do have benefits, and have always believed that true love comes with its own hygienist. Do you believe in fate?

Black
5. If you have adopted black or black & white biracial children.
Score yourself -500 points

Reason: Although he understands that all children regardless of race or nationality need a good home, his parents and family are old school southerners and any mixing of black and white in the family group is frowned upon.

 Now, I’ve never dated a racist, so I have to ask–is there any flexibility here? Just hypothetically, at family dinners, could we maybe put his family at the bigots table in the kitchen?  This way it’s far away from the kids’ table, and closer to the bourbon. Don’t hate…segregate! Just throwin’ it out there…

Sports
6. If you are a NC Tarheel fan
Score yourself +10 points

Reason: He is a graduate of the University of NC and a huge Tarheel fan. It would be nice to share that sports enthusiasm with a fellow Tarheel fan.

10 points! I love the Tarheels, but full disclosure: I like some of the black players, too.  Ack! I just hate loopholes, don’t you?

Sex
7. If you have or have had a sexually transmitted disease, herpes or AIDS
Score yourself -1000 points.

Reason: He does not have any STD’s and would hope to find someone similar so that together the two of you can explore the full romantic nature of love, intimacy and a sexual relationship.

I can not tell you how happy I am to see this question included in your questionnaire.  How often this is overlooked on a first email correspondence! Herpes + AIDS= Things I Super Don’t Want. We have so much in common!

8. If you have had a same sex experience or participated in sex with more than 1 person at a time score yourself -500 points.

Reason: He believes in one man one woman monogamous relationships. He believes that that configuration develops the tightest bond spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.

I just read that question and I was like, same-sex? Sin. Orgies? Mega-sin. Spiritual bondage? Worst sin ever. No time for sinners or sinny sin sins. Not on my watch. Unless I’m watching them on TV. As Jesus knows, if you watch people doing this sin stuff on TV you do not contract the sin.

Drugs
9. Excluding an occasional prescription from your doctor, if you have ever tried or used a drug stronger than marijuana.
Score yourself -500 points

Reason: He is a counselor in private practice and has seen the way drugs tear families apart.

He is a counselor?! This is fantastic! Maybe he can hook me up with a little somethin’ somethin’ to help me kick these Sudafed shakes.

Did you answer all questions honestly?

YOU ARE FINISHED.
Now add up your scores.
If you have a score between +10 and +210 we would like to introduce you to our boss to see if there is a “spark”.

After that you guys are on your own … We just want to see him hook up with someone genuine who can appreciate him for who he is. Good Luck!

I would just like to add: please, please pretty please pick me (all of that was said in a southern accent, which you couldn’t hear–just another reason why online dating is so dang hard).  I think we’d have so much to talk about. For example, I recently saw this commercial and, well frankly, I don’t know what to think and would love to discuss it with your boss on a porch or something. I know he doesn’t think black people and white people should share “relations” but– what about dining sets? I anxiously await your response and hope to hear from you very soon.

Related Disasters:

• Happy Feet
• Hobo Teeth
• This Is The Pits
• One Glove, One Heart
• Sugar Coated