It begins! This week I’ve received online dating emails from Disasters around the country, and it with great pleasure that I am able to respond. This OKC email was sent to me from a nice lady in Denver:
I am a boy with a small b…I understand in part, at least, natural beauty. Few people notice, fewer still care about, the smell of warm earth underfoot or the scent of the whispering pines borne on the wind… I think my favorite punctuation has become the ellipsis…
I love music….there’s a Joy Division tribute on Youtube, set to a Radiohead song you should probably listen to if you are interested in how music affects me… Here’s it is:
Anyway, let me know if you’d like to chat sometime…I enjoy expressing affection and am very tactile, incredible enthusiasm for this so-called life, my point is…I think we could be a match, but one of the first things I have to find out is what you smell like.
Nice Lady in Denver, here is your response. He is clearly your future-fiance, so be sure to send immediately!
Dear Al Pacino,
At least you’re not a boy with a small “p”! Yes, I agree. You must know what your partner smells like. Did you ever have a sticker book? I had one with more than 200 scratch n’ sniff stickers. Anyway, I’d say I smell like a cross between the pickle one and the pizza one. Does that help?
I’m glad you emailed because it’s clear we have so much in common. I also appreciate the ellipses–grammar’s very own bachelor! Why commit to the end of the sentence when you can just fade out right into the next one? Just make it clear you’re bored, distracted, or can’t find the time to see this syntax through… Sure, at first it’s tough, but do it enough and people will get the idea. Like I always say, ellipses are for men…periods are for women.
I’m definitely interested to know how music affects you, so thanks for sending me this song about suicide. If you’re anything like me, this music makes me want to dance dance dance! It’s going straight to my workout playlist.
Looking forward to meeting you,
Send me your disastrous dating emails. You can submit anonymously through the “ask me anything” tab–or send an email to disasteronheels[at]gmail[dot]com.
Subscribe Via Email
Become A Fan
- I Heart You Rachel Dratch, From Your BFF, Disaster
- The Genius
- This Is The Pits
- The Write-Off
- A Return to Roots
- One Glove, One Heart
- I’m a Fraunt!
- Sugar Coated
- How to Shake a Stage Five Drunk
- A Disaster’s Guide to Fixin’ Shit
- Sea Biscuits
- Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?
- Finally, A Fairytale I can Believe In
- High San Francisco!
- Scent of A Woman
- RT @jgolden3: Sometimes I love the people I work with... other times I hate them. Now is the latter... http://t.co/gxf60mC7 #, 2012/05/03
- The daily verbatim: "Im just looking for a understanding women. I work with Computers. Im stable and well Ground.... http://t.co/q1IWE00l #, 2012/05/03
- @heidiskinner Absolutely! Do not take this lightly. It's the role of a lifetime. #Disasterella #, 2012/05/03
- @gloss48 so good talking to you yesterday. I can't wait to get glamorous. #, 2012/05/03
- @heidiskinner yes! You can be my Disaster Fairy Godmother. It will be easy. I already have the shoes! #, 2012/05/03