Newsfeed newsflash: my Facebook Wall is experiencing a curious case of Benjamin Button.
My friends’ status updates used to be accompanied by profile pictures of smiling faces in wedding gowns, but then suddenly, something strange happened. Seemingly overnight, all my friends’ profile pictures have turned into babies.
It’s a virtual regression epidemic, and as more and more of my friends have babies, the more I’m called to duty as a Friend-Aunt (or “Fraunt” if you want to get technical about it). True, being a Frauntie has it’s benefits. On the plus side it means you’re part of the Inner Circle (you probably have the bridesmaid dress to prove it). On the down side, it means you owe a shit ton of baby gifts.
One of my college roommates is now a mother of two. When she delivered her first adorable bundle of joy I was in the hospital with flowers, a children’s book and a stuffed animal that sings. I even attended the first birthday party, and marveled at the way she made the cupcakes look like armadillos.
But when she gave birth to her second, I found myself Frauntie cash-strapped. Each baby store I entered blew my mind: a tiny stuffed monkey was $25. A onesie that said “party at my crib” was thirty bucks. I thought I could get off cheap by buying a cute pair of shoes (go with what you know) but those were $40, and would probably only last half a diaper change before he outgrew them.
I was on my way home, feeling totally dejected, when I passed the pet store. Something in the window caught my eye: a basket full of stuffed animals and a sign that read $9.99. Gold mine.
When I showed up at my friend’s house I handed her my gift, beaming with the pride of a second-time Frauntie.
“This is adorable,” she said.
“It’s a squirrel!” I said. “It squeaks! He’s gonna love it.”
“And you wrapped it so well, too. What was this on top?”
“Oh, that’s raw hide. They threw that in extra. I figured it would come in handy when he starts teething.”
- No Related Disasters...yet
Subscribe Via Email
Become A Fan
- I Heart You Rachel Dratch, From Your BFF, Disaster
- The Genius
- This Is The Pits
- The Write-Off
- A Return to Roots
- One Glove, One Heart
- I’m a Fraunt!
- Sugar Coated
- How to Shake a Stage Five Drunk
- A Disaster’s Guide to Fixin’ Shit
- Sea Biscuits
- Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner?
- Finally, A Fairytale I can Believe In
- High San Francisco!
- Scent of A Woman