Secret Deodorant Picture

Now that I’m newly single, I’ve thrust myself back into the abyss of online possibility. Line up the suitors: this Little Disaster has gone to market. Fortunately, it’s taken no time at all to start receiving love letters from near and far.

My most recent came from OKCupid:

hey-wow, you sure are beautiful and seem strong and confident . i am looking for an open minded girl as friend and cuddle buddy and try new experiences which are comfortable . pls don’t be offended , but got to ask, do you have a dominating side or want to try it , or like your armpits admired ? i am not for hookups or a serious relation . are you interested ? 

To which I wasted no time replying:

Dear Hemingway,

Let me start by saying I admire your simplicity of language– so sparse, yet so descriptive.  I also think it takes a strong, confident man to ignore capitalization altogether. Away with it, I say!  Love knows no limits. Or grammar.

As per your inquiry about my dominating side, I am left-handed. This often takes people by surprise, they say, “Really? You’re left handed?” And I have to say, “Yes! Didn’t you see me try to use your carrot peeler? It was a disaster!”

Regarding your interest in my armpits, I’m flattered. I always thought I had fat armpits.  (What can I say? Seventh grade was the worst.)  But if you’d like to admire them, my underarms would like nothing more than your affection. Just keep it casual–don’t say things you don’t mean, especially if you don’t intend a serious relation. My armpits are very skittish. They’ve been through a lot: the last guy that tried to adore them turned out to be gay.

Looking forward to hearing from you again, my little Scribe.



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4 Responses to This Is The Pits

  1. Erin says:

    This is hilarious! You are my hero! I dated online for a while, and received several messages of a similar caliber – wish I’d been brave enough to respond as you did instead of just deleting them!

  2. I am so so SO glad you are back.

  3. SLT says:

    Another perfect lunchtime read. Thank you, DoH. ;)

  4. Support Group Companion says:

    He sure must like armpits. I received the EXACT same email from someone on OKCupid.