Today, in an impromptu Internet press conference, Disaster made an unexpected announcement that surprised approximately no one.
DOH: Wow, this is an amazing turnout. I’m so glad you guys got my Evite! So, apologies in advance: That email was not, in fact, from Beyonce. And there will not be a New Years duet today. But I do have another equally exciting scoop for you media hounds…I’m back!
REPORTER 1: Who is she?
DOH: As you know, I’m Disaster on Heels, and I’ve been gone for a while. I’m sure that’s left your hearts with a giant gaping hole, and in turn filled it with questions. So, fire away. First question: You, in the bow tie.
REPORTER 2: Disaster, Tucker Carlson here. It’s been more than 18 months. Who cares? What makes you think you can just walk back onto the Internet?
DOH: Fair question. I guess I decided it’s just something I want to do for me, regardless whether people are listening. And then I decided, no that’s not true, I like it better with people listening. I think there’s a lot of good people out there who share similar life experiences. I mean, we all have those mornings where we wake up spooning a McRib, promising ourselves we’ll stop meeting up this way. But let’s face it: life is hard. I want Disasters everywhere to know that there really is strength in numbers.
REPORTER 3: I don’t know about you, Disaster, but when I hear “Strength In Numbers” I think you’re talking about Obamacare, and we all know what a disaster that is.
DOH: Bill O’Reilly? Is that you?
REPORTER 3: Of course it’s me, don’t be ridiculous. Disaster, we’re not stupid. We’ve all read the tabloids. We’ve seen you on Tinder dates throughout the city. According to one report, you went on 8 dates in 7 days. Are we really supposed to feel bad for you now that you’re single again and slutting it up all over Chicago?
DOH: First off, Bill, I resent the question and the overt accusation. Short answer: I’m not a slut, I’ve simply been conducting research on the authenticity and efficacy of location-based discovery platforms. It’s called science. Next question.
REPORTER 4: Disaster, Greta Van Susteren. A lot has happened since you left Disaster on Heels. I’m talking specifically about the major terrorist attacks in Yemen, Iraq, and Libya, to name a few. I think I speak for all Americans when I ask: How deep are your ties to al-Qaeda?
DOH: Greta, just because I’m single in my 30s does not mean I’m a terrorist. For the record, also not out to destroy hallowed institutions such as marriage, Christmas, or The RomCom. Is there anyone here who’s not from FOX?
REPORTER 5: Over here, Disaster. Barbara Walters. I’ve been following your story for the past couple of years. Disaster on Heels meets Disaster in Wingtips, and it’s the perfect love story: They travel, they meet each other’s families, they make plans for the future. Then, after a year and a half, Disaster in Wingtips leaves her to move to LA, and never looks back. It must be so painful to come back to the Internet after having been so close to the finish line. So tell me: What’s next for Disaster on Heels?
DOH: I’m um… Well… I … ahem, excuse me. You took me a little off guard there, Barbara… God you are good at this.
I think first thing is first: Marriage is not, nor will it ever be “The Finish Line.” I’ll always be a Disaster on Heels, despite my marital status. As for 2014, I’m not sure, but I’m excited to tell stories again, and to focus on the “Dear Disaster” series. To that end, I’d like to use this opportunity to ask that if anyone out there has received offensive, illiterate, or otherwise absurd emails from online suitors, please send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I would love nothing more than to respond on your behalf like I did with the Nice Lady in Denver, Cap’n Orgy, and the Happy Humper.
REPORTER 6: Disaster, one more question, here in back.
DOH: Oh! Hi Peter Alexander. I like your tie. It looks really good. Not that you don’t always look good. I’m just saying, you look good wearing shapes… I’m sorry, what’s your question?
REPORTER 6: Are you aware that you have spinach in your teeth?
DOH: Ok. Well, looks like that’s all the time I have today. Thanks for coming. If you have additional questions feel free to Tweet them to me at @disasteronheels. I want to hear from you!
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