Currently viewing the tag: "match.com"
Now that I’m newly single, I’ve thrust myself back into the abyss of online possibility. Line up the suitors: this Little Disaster has gone to market. Fortunately, it’s taken no time at all to start receiving love letters from near and far.
My most recent came from OKCupid:
hey-wow, you sure are beautiful and seem strong and confident . i am looking for an open minded girl as friend and cuddle buddy and try new experiences which are comfortable . pls don’t be offended , but got to ask, do you have a dominating side or want to try it , or like your armpits admired ? i am not for hookups or a serious relation . are you interested ?
To which I wasted no time replying:
Dear Hemingway,
Let me start by saying I admire your simplicity of language– so sparse, yet so descriptive. I also think it takes a strong, confident man to ignore capitalization altogether. Away with it, I say! Love knows no limits. Or grammar.
As per your inquiry about my dominating side, I am left-handed. This often takes people by surprise, they say, “Really? You’re left handed?” And I have to say, “Yes! Didn’t you see me try to use your carrot peeler? It was a disaster!”
Regarding your interest in my armpits, I’m flattered. I always thought I had fat armpits. (What can I say? Seventh grade was the worst.) But if you’d like to admire them, my underarms would like nothing more than your affection. Just keep it casual–don’t say things you don’t mean, especially if you don’t intend a serious relation. My armpits are very skittish. They’ve been through a lot: the last guy that tried to adore them turned out to be gay.
Looking forward to hearing from you again, my little Scribe.
xox
Disaster
Related Disasters:
My match profile launched August 13, 2009—30 days after breakup, 28 days after moving out, 5 days after moving into a studio apartment. It was created in a fervent attempt to “move on!” “get out there!” “have fun!” and all those other things people suggested I start doing. My brother-in-law connected his laptop to a giant flat screen TV, and he, my friend Rachel and I created my dating avatar: my cyber self-portrait. We put pictures up of Wholesome Me roasting marshmallows, Sassy Me hailing a cab in gold high heels, and Quirky Me kissing a lobster. We drank cheap beer called “Simpler Times” and debated my profile quote. Rachel wanted “I won’t make you breakfast.” My brother-in-law wanted “Balls.” I won: “If anyone asks, we met while climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.”
We set the bait, high-fived, and waited…
It wasn’t long until I started getting hits. On Monday morning my first email came in from a suitor in the suburbs named 2big2blv. By his profile I could tell he took things very seriously because he wasn’t smiling in his picture, and because he took it himself in the bathroom mirror. Clearly he couldn’t trust this photo to just anyone.
His email went like this:
Hey. You have nice eyez. I’m new to match. U like it so far? i’m here because i’m sick of meeting people in bars. Your hot tho. If we did meet in a bar I’d probably say “if you were a tree and I was a squirrel I’d climb into your hole and bust a nut.” lol!! Lol!! lol!!!!! Anyway, I’m from Schaumberg ever been?
My stomach dropped. How could this be? What kind of karmic fuck up had I participated in to make this ok? I have a master’s degree! I floss regularly! Plus, my profile clearly states that I’m looking for someone within 10 miles of 60657!
As depressing as this email was, I kept it. There was part of me that thought, “Someday, you’ll look back on this, and see how funny it all was.” In that daydream this memory would occur while I was on a yacht, getting a backrub from my highly successful-but-not-arrogant fiancé who happened to know how to make delicious pancakes.
Fast-forward one year, and I can tell you not only haven’t I met my pancake-making fiancé, that email is still not funny. The difference is that now when I read it, I only have a fuzzy memory of that unjaded version of myself. If I could sit down with that version of me–that fetus of an online dater — I’d like to give her a hug. I’d also like to tell her to be careful not to lose her mind. It would have been nice if someone would have given me such a warning.
To be honest, I can’t really tell what comes first– being crazy, or online dating. Or maybe it’s the chicken AND the ovary. What I do know is that in my case it was a slow degeneration. Like Alzheimer’s. Things start to get a little foggy and your decision-making becomes questionable: one day you can’t find your pants, and the next day you forget to wear them. That moment happened to me last week when, while trolling for love on OkCupid, I stumbled upon a hot guy. He’s a lawyer, he can punctuate, he had more than one profile picture, and he dislikes cats. In other words, he’s the perfect online package. This man was more than “wink” material, so in my eagerness I fired off a note that I was sure would spark a long and passionate romance:
“Hi!! I see you like Apples to Apples. Me too, I love that game! I also see you also like to go to Italy. I love Italy!
I actually spent Thanksgiving in Milan once. My sister lived there and we had to order a turkey two weeks in advance (because they don’t really eat turkey in Milan). When we picked it up from the butcher it still had feathers in it, so we wound up plucking it with tweezers. Still, it was the best turkey I’ve ever eaten.
Ok, you’re up!”
The sad part about late-stage online dating is the fact that you constantly live between states of cognizance and oblivion. When I “came to” a couple of days later I realized that some guy had received my email and started to question every life decision that led him to OKCupid. He probably opened it and hyperventilated in his corner office.
Yep. Watch out, Chicago. One year into online dating, this crazy train has left the station.
Also published on Chicago Now.
Related Disasters:
Here’s what happens when people stop wearing socks, and start getting real. This is another gem I received on Match.com. It was so romantic, I had to respond.
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Hello….
I read and love your profile. I just got on Match again and don’t even have a picture yet.
I’m hoping you’re open minded. If this message offends you, I apologize but I figured I’d give it a shot. I am not trying to be disrespectful at all.
Anyway, here goes. If you knew a guy who was a nice, safe, legit, no head games, no BS…..and he would pay you to stick your barefeet in his face, he does absolutely nothing to them, would you do it? Weird question, I know. But this can actually happen. It’s not a game, I don’t have time for that.
Let’s say it was a friend of yours and you knew you could make easy money doing that whenever you felt like it, are you open minded enough to take advantage of it?
I have no problem getting a pic to you to show that I’m serious.
I hope to hear back from you. Again, if you take this the wrong way and are offended, I really am sorry. I wish you luck in finding what you’re looking for.
Gabe
BTW, I’m a single white male, 35. No kids, never been married.
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Dear Gabe,
No worries at all, I totally don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not offended. I mean, I’ll admit I’ve never stuck my foot in someone’s face before for sexual pleasure, but I do give myself the chills sometimes when I clean my ears with a Q-tip, so who am I to judge?!
And I too have a recurring foot fantasy. Only mine involves a glass slipper and a bunch of footmen that turn into mice.
I love mice. I love all animals, actually. How do you feel about animals, Gabe? Have you ever dressed up in a giant mouse costume and made passionate animal love? It’s so primal but so innocent. Do you think you may be down?
My uncle runs a costume shop, so if you’re not into mice, that’s cool. I’m also into mermaids, lions, dalmatians and clown fish.
Hope to hear from you!
BTW I’m also single with no kids. But I do have a ferret, an iguana and several hamsters. All of them (with the exception of the ferret) have feet.
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Have you received a Disaster email from an online dating site? Send it to me at disasteronheels[at]gmail.com, or through the Facebook page. I’ll write your reply and post it to the blog.
Related Disasters:
Remember when I told you I was off Match? Well, I lied. I just received a very enticing email, so naturally I had to reply.
____________________________________________________________
Nice to meet you. You appear to be a dynamic and attractive woman.
Can’t help but wonder if the condition of your heart is as beautiful as your wrapper!
I am looking for someone who I can play with and have fun and enjoy the city and relax with and enjoy each others company after a long hard work day. Hopefully you would enjoy riding on my motorcycle with me. Friends first….if there is chemistry and the planets align..then I am open to more.
Curious if you have a good balance between having fun and laughing and not taking yourself too seriously but also being committed to helping others and making the world a better place??
How do you envision making your mark on this world? Are relationships more important to you than experiences? Are experiences more important to you than things?
What would you honestly think if a guy asked you to go on a date and took you to serve homeless at a soup kitchen?
What is your fav restaurant in the city and why? Have ya ever smoked a cigar? Do you play beach volleyball?
I may be going boating with some friends on Sunday. Drop me a line if you are interested in bringing a friend or two and joining us. My friend keeps his power boat at Montrose Harbor. We usually ask people to BYOB and some snacks. Its a relaxing unpretentious time.
Hope to hear from ya.
TTYL
D
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Hey D,
Wow! That’s a lot of questions. You must be some kinda questionairian.
I do have a balance of having fun and laughing– mostly when I’m in a tickle fight or if I’m high–but I don’t take myself too seriously (especially when I’m high) and I would like to make the world a better place definitely, and I think I could start doing that by sharing some of this amazing weed.
I envision making my mark on this world for sure. In fact, I’d like to think I do it everyday. I’ve tagged every CTA bus I’ve ever been on with my initials inside a heart. I also tagged the side of Roy’s Furniture–look for it!
I think relationships are more important to me than experiences, but it depends if that experience involves a relationship. But definitely experiences are more important than things. Unless that thing was a gift from a relationship. Or if it was a Wii, a Vespa, or a dimebag.
If a guy took me to a soup kitchen on a first date I’d be all “Why are we at a soup kitchen, you broke?” But I’d probably eat anyway.
My favorite restaurant in the city is definitely Wiener Circle. Probably because it always makes me laugh. I mean, think about it– a wiener, shaped like a circle?! Gross!
Like any good guys’ girl, I have smoked plenty of cigars, but mostly while role-playing the Apprentice in bed (can you do a good Donald Trump?). And yes, I’m always playing beach volleyball. People always tell me I’m perfect for it it. They’re all, “you’re so hot, you should play beach volleyball.” So I do.
As for your invite I love spontaneous and unpretentious times. I’ll wear my least fancy Ed Hardy tee. All I gotta do is show up with food, booze, and hot friends, right? Looks like our planets are aligning. See you at the boat orgy!
Related Disasters:
I woke up in the middle of the night with a sudden epiphany.
I have a date tonight with a suitor from Match. He’s the total online package: he punctuates, he’s responsive, and according to his photos ( none of which were taken of himself in the mirror), he’s tall. He’s in Rome in one, reading in another, playing with a dog in a third. By the looks of it, he’s a total normie. But then somewhere in my REM it hit me: he wasn’t smiling in a single picture.
I think I have a date with hobo teeth.
