Currently viewing the tag: "online dating"
It begins! This week I’ve received online dating emails from Disasters around the country, and it with great pleasure that I am able to respond. This OKC email was sent to me from a nice lady in Denver:
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Hi there–
I am a boy with a small b…I understand in part, at least, natural beauty. Few people notice, fewer still care about, the smell of warm earth underfoot or the scent of the whispering pines borne on the wind… I think my favorite punctuation has become the ellipsis…
I love music….there’s a Joy Division tribute on Youtube, set to a Radiohead song you should probably listen to if you are interested in how music affects me… Here’s it is:
Anyway, let me know if you’d like to chat sometime…I enjoy expressing affection and am very tactile, incredible enthusiasm for this so-called life, my point is…I think we could be a match, but one of the first things I have to find out is what you smell like.
Jon
Nice Lady in Denver, here is your response. He is clearly your future-fiance, so be sure to send immediately!
Dear Al Pacino,
At least you’re not a boy with a small “p”! Yes, I agree. You must know what your partner smells like. Did you ever have a sticker book? I had one with more than 200 scratch n’ sniff stickers. Anyway, I’d say I smell like a cross between the pickle one and the pizza one. Does that help?
I’m glad you emailed because it’s clear we have so much in common. I also appreciate the ellipses–grammar’s very own bachelor! Why commit to the end of the sentence when you can just fade out right into the next one? Just make it clear you’re bored, distracted, or can’t find the time to see this syntax through… Sure, at first it’s tough, but do it enough and people will get the idea. Like I always say, ellipses are for men…periods are for women.
I’m definitely interested to know how music affects you, so thanks for sending me this song about suicide. If you’re anything like me, this music makes me want to dance dance dance! It’s going straight to my workout playlist.
Looking forward to meeting you,
Denver
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Send me your disastrous dating emails. You can submit anonymously through the “ask me anything” tab–or send an email to disasteronheels[at]gmail[dot]com.
Related Disasters:
My match profile launched August 13, 2009—30 days after breakup, 28 days after moving out, 5 days after moving into a studio apartment. It was created in a fervent attempt to “move on!” “get out there!” “have fun!” and all those other things people suggested I start doing. My brother-in-law connected his laptop to a giant flat screen TV, and he, my friend Rachel and I created my dating avatar: my cyber self-portrait. We put pictures up of Wholesome Me roasting marshmallows, Sassy Me hailing a cab in gold high heels, and Quirky Me kissing a lobster. We drank cheap beer called “Simpler Times” and debated my profile quote. Rachel wanted “I won’t make you breakfast.” My brother-in-law wanted “Balls.” I won: “If anyone asks, we met while climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro.”
We set the bait, high-fived, and waited…
It wasn’t long until I started getting hits. On Monday morning my first email came in from a suitor in the suburbs named 2big2blv. By his profile I could tell he took things very seriously because he wasn’t smiling in his picture, and because he took it himself in the bathroom mirror. Clearly he couldn’t trust this photo to just anyone.
His email went like this:
Hey. You have nice eyez. I’m new to match. U like it so far? i’m here because i’m sick of meeting people in bars. Your hot tho. If we did meet in a bar I’d probably say “if you were a tree and I was a squirrel I’d climb into your hole and bust a nut.” lol!! Lol!! lol!!!!! Anyway, I’m from Schaumberg ever been?
My stomach dropped. How could this be? What kind of karmic fuck up had I participated in to make this ok? I have a master’s degree! I floss regularly! Plus, my profile clearly states that I’m looking for someone within 10 miles of 60657!
As depressing as this email was, I kept it. There was part of me that thought, “Someday, you’ll look back on this, and see how funny it all was.” In that daydream this memory would occur while I was on a yacht, getting a backrub from my highly successful-but-not-arrogant fiancé who happened to know how to make delicious pancakes.
Fast-forward one year, and I can tell you not only haven’t I met my pancake-making fiancé, that email is still not funny. The difference is that now when I read it, I only have a fuzzy memory of that unjaded version of myself. If I could sit down with that version of me–that fetus of an online dater — I’d like to give her a hug. I’d also like to tell her to be careful not to lose her mind. It would have been nice if someone would have given me such a warning.
To be honest, I can’t really tell what comes first– being crazy, or online dating. Or maybe it’s the chicken AND the ovary. What I do know is that in my case it was a slow degeneration. Like Alzheimer’s. Things start to get a little foggy and your decision-making becomes questionable: one day you can’t find your pants, and the next day you forget to wear them. That moment happened to me last week when, while trolling for love on OkCupid, I stumbled upon a hot guy. He’s a lawyer, he can punctuate, he had more than one profile picture, and he dislikes cats. In other words, he’s the perfect online package. This man was more than “wink” material, so in my eagerness I fired off a note that I was sure would spark a long and passionate romance:
“Hi!! I see you like Apples to Apples. Me too, I love that game! I also see you also like to go to Italy. I love Italy!
I actually spent Thanksgiving in Milan once. My sister lived there and we had to order a turkey two weeks in advance (because they don’t really eat turkey in Milan). When we picked it up from the butcher it still had feathers in it, so we wound up plucking it with tweezers. Still, it was the best turkey I’ve ever eaten.
Ok, you’re up!”
The sad part about late-stage online dating is the fact that you constantly live between states of cognizance and oblivion. When I “came to” a couple of days later I realized that some guy had received my email and started to question every life decision that led him to OKCupid. He probably opened it and hyperventilated in his corner office.
Yep. Watch out, Chicago. One year into online dating, this crazy train has left the station.
Also published on Chicago Now.
Related Disasters:
Here’s what happens when people stop wearing socks, and start getting real. This is another gem I received on Match.com. It was so romantic, I had to respond.
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Hello….
I read and love your profile. I just got on Match again and don’t even have a picture yet.
I’m hoping you’re open minded. If this message offends you, I apologize but I figured I’d give it a shot. I am not trying to be disrespectful at all.
Anyway, here goes. If you knew a guy who was a nice, safe, legit, no head games, no BS…..and he would pay you to stick your barefeet in his face, he does absolutely nothing to them, would you do it? Weird question, I know. But this can actually happen. It’s not a game, I don’t have time for that.
Let’s say it was a friend of yours and you knew you could make easy money doing that whenever you felt like it, are you open minded enough to take advantage of it?
I have no problem getting a pic to you to show that I’m serious.
I hope to hear back from you. Again, if you take this the wrong way and are offended, I really am sorry. I wish you luck in finding what you’re looking for.
Gabe
BTW, I’m a single white male, 35. No kids, never been married.
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Dear Gabe,
No worries at all, I totally don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not offended. I mean, I’ll admit I’ve never stuck my foot in someone’s face before for sexual pleasure, but I do give myself the chills sometimes when I clean my ears with a Q-tip, so who am I to judge?!
And I too have a recurring foot fantasy. Only mine involves a glass slipper and a bunch of footmen that turn into mice.
I love mice. I love all animals, actually. How do you feel about animals, Gabe? Have you ever dressed up in a giant mouse costume and made passionate animal love? It’s so primal but so innocent. Do you think you may be down?
My uncle runs a costume shop, so if you’re not into mice, that’s cool. I’m also into mermaids, lions, dalmatians and clown fish.
Hope to hear from you!
BTW I’m also single with no kids. But I do have a ferret, an iguana and several hamsters. All of them (with the exception of the ferret) have feet.
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Have you received a Disaster email from an online dating site? Send it to me at disasteronheels[at]gmail.com, or through the Facebook page. I’ll write your reply and post it to the blog.
Related Disasters:
Remember when I told you I was off Match? Well, I lied. I just received a very enticing email, so naturally I had to reply.
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Nice to meet you. You appear to be a dynamic and attractive woman.
Can’t help but wonder if the condition of your heart is as beautiful as your wrapper!
I am looking for someone who I can play with and have fun and enjoy the city and relax with and enjoy each others company after a long hard work day. Hopefully you would enjoy riding on my motorcycle with me. Friends first….if there is chemistry and the planets align..then I am open to more.
Curious if you have a good balance between having fun and laughing and not taking yourself too seriously but also being committed to helping others and making the world a better place??
How do you envision making your mark on this world? Are relationships more important to you than experiences? Are experiences more important to you than things?
What would you honestly think if a guy asked you to go on a date and took you to serve homeless at a soup kitchen?
What is your fav restaurant in the city and why? Have ya ever smoked a cigar? Do you play beach volleyball?
I may be going boating with some friends on Sunday. Drop me a line if you are interested in bringing a friend or two and joining us. My friend keeps his power boat at Montrose Harbor. We usually ask people to BYOB and some snacks. Its a relaxing unpretentious time.
Hope to hear from ya.
TTYL
D
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Hey D,
Wow! That’s a lot of questions. You must be some kinda questionairian.
I do have a balance of having fun and laughing– mostly when I’m in a tickle fight or if I’m high–but I don’t take myself too seriously (especially when I’m high) and I would like to make the world a better place definitely, and I think I could start doing that by sharing some of this amazing weed.
I envision making my mark on this world for sure. In fact, I’d like to think I do it everyday. I’ve tagged every CTA bus I’ve ever been on with my initials inside a heart. I also tagged the side of Roy’s Furniture–look for it!
I think relationships are more important to me than experiences, but it depends if that experience involves a relationship. But definitely experiences are more important than things. Unless that thing was a gift from a relationship. Or if it was a Wii, a Vespa, or a dimebag.
If a guy took me to a soup kitchen on a first date I’d be all “Why are we at a soup kitchen, you broke?” But I’d probably eat anyway.
My favorite restaurant in the city is definitely Wiener Circle. Probably because it always makes me laugh. I mean, think about it– a wiener, shaped like a circle?! Gross!
Like any good guys’ girl, I have smoked plenty of cigars, but mostly while role-playing the Apprentice in bed (can you do a good Donald Trump?). And yes, I’m always playing beach volleyball. People always tell me I’m perfect for it it. They’re all, “you’re so hot, you should play beach volleyball.” So I do.
As for your invite I love spontaneous and unpretentious times. I’ll wear my least fancy Ed Hardy tee. All I gotta do is show up with food, booze, and hot friends, right? Looks like our planets are aligning. See you at the boat orgy!
Related Disasters:
Last night I got sucked into the crazy vortex that is online dating. I got blown up by a Romeo on OKCupid and decided to check out the message. It went like this:
Well aren’t you adorable for being 31 and so thin. It’s not often I can say that about such a fragile and innocent girl being very attractive. You probably can’t keep up with a kinky stud unfortunately, can you? 
…we’d definitely make good looking kids though.
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No joke. Or maybe it was? It was so bad I had to figure out. So I checked out his profile. He’s been on OKCupid since 2007 and only has one photo, so I was immediately suspicious. More on our Romeo:
My self-summary:
due to popular demand…here is a little bit of information about me. I have a great relationship with my mom….i have nice teeth and nice shoes but no, i wont go shoe shopping with you!
What I’m doing with my life:
taming lions during the day and performing super hero services at night
Things people first notice about me: dark, deep eyes and a devious smirk along with a smoking hot bod!
The 6 things I could never do without:
competition and gaining knowledge…i thrive on both
I spend a lot of time thinking about : maybe you….but probably not
On a typical Friday night I am: probably standing you up on our date!
You should message me if:
you’re not boring and have DEVELOPED a fun witty personality.
if you label yourself as a dem or repub, i think you’re a fool for playing into their game…probably won’t be a good idea to message me unless you are looking to expand your horizons
if you cried when Go-bama was elected and screamed out loud how its the greatest day of your life….put me on block.
if im on here, im probably playing poker so give me some time to respond
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I figured this must be a joke, so I emailed back:
Me: Do I know you?
Him: you’re a genius huh?
Me: Your message was so awful, I thought I must know you. But if I do know you, it is hilarious. Thus the confusion. And yes, in many circles I am considered a genius.
Him: so you work at a mental hospital? noted. can’t stand having to constantly dumb things down for people….have to filter out those people so goodbye
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And just like that, another Romeo slipped away.
Related Disasters:
This week I received a very intriguing email, which confirmed my growing suspicion that I am, in fact, kind of a big deal in war-torn nations. This particular email came from my new (and dear) friend Miss Chelsea. I can only assume that she found my information through Match.com, and I’m overwhelmed with a feeling of optimism that I simply can not explain. Her letter went like this:
Hello,
How are you today? I hope you are fine. My name is Miss Chelsea Kouma, from Liberia in West Africa. I am single girl looking for honest and nice person. Somebody who i can partner with. I don’t care about your colour or ethnicity. Upon your reply to this mail I will tell you more about myself and send you my picture. I’m sending you this beautiful mail, with a wish for much happiness. I am looking forward to hear from you.
Warm regards,
Miss Chelsea
To which I immediately replied:
Dear Miss Chelsea,
Thank you for your beautiful mail. I do not believe in coincidence—I think we are kindred spirits. I too am single, and am looking for someone to partner with. It’s funny how life works, isn’t it? You start down one path and next thing you know, you turn 30, your boyfriend hops a crazy train, and you find yourself one Lean Cuisine away from sodium poisoning—you know? Can you tell me how I can meet a nice, honest man? Any advice would be appreciated.
Warm Regards,
Inez Peru
From Miss Chelsea. (It actually said this.)
My Dearest,
Thank you very much for your Urgent mail. I am very glad to read through your mail today and i am admired with you. Let me write you my biography. I was born in Liberia in West Africa. I am a single girl of 23 years and i do not have kids.
My late father Dr Charles Kouma was the former Comissioner for works and transport before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my father in cold blood. I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently.I really want to have a good relationship with you,
Once again, A relationship of deep feeling that will construct a mutual understanding. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail. Attached here is my picture and i will like to see yours,
Hoping to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Miss Chelsea Kouma
Dear Miss Chelsea,
Wow! You’re arms are so toned! Do you use P90X?
I’m attaching my photo too, but just so you know since this photo was taken I’ve lost 60 pounds stopped smoking and run all the time.
As for my likes, I’ll keep it simple. I like tall men. This shouldn’t be a problem, right? He should have his own goats. This is a must. I prefer non-refugee status (but I can be flexible on this), definitely no rebels though.
As for me, I do not have kids or pets, but I once kept a hornet alive in a honey jar for three magical days. I was in the cultural exchange club in high school. I am open to new things. I will try his sweet potato pone, but he must be willing to try my tuna casserole. It is delicious.
I am a nice honest person and as a simple measure of our good faith I will require a valid credit card number in return for my heart. I simply can not risk getting it broken again.
Urgently,
Inez Peru
